In a brand new semi-regular feature on KTLO, we have asked our most brilliant of friends, the photographer and filmmaker James Bidgood (Pink Narcissus), who is not only an outstanding artist, but a wit and raconteur with more wisdom and experience than anyone we know, to respond to reader’s problems. From small questions of etiquette to weighty life-changing queries, Mr. Bidgood will attempt to offer guidance and “Dear Abbey” realness in the way only he can.

Dear Mister Bidgood,
I’m 24 and have been having sex with dudes and only dudes since I was 20. I’ve had sex with 17 people, and my longest relationship was 3 weeks. This leads to my question. I have only ejaculated with someone else when jacking myself off.  It’s usually the old vanilla in-and-out or sucking around. (I’ve been a top and bottom, but mostly bottom). What should I do so I can “come baby come” like in that Kool-Aid commercial? Sincerely, Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
Well, Jonathan dahling, have you considered drinking the Kool Aid? I recall accompanying the love of my life Alan on a bus and truck tour of Jesus Christ Superstar. He was a dancer in the show which was playing Chicago for a couple months the summer Kraft Foods introduced a new watermelon flavor Kool Aid – and it was divine—coupled with a few hits of acid, several joints laced with angel dust, a Quaalude or two, a few yellow boxes of Burroughs Wellcome and of course heaps of speed to keep you awake and aware of all the fun you were having. No, but really dahling, watermelon Kool Aid would be heaven even without the amusing chemicals. And combined with apple juice whatever flavor Kool Aid tastes exactly like juice from real fruit!

Which brings us back to your query regarding the enhancement of your sexual encounters so that you are more able to achieve orgasm. Did it ever occur to you that your hand may be the better lay? I do not want to throw cold water on your quest for fire but sex is seldom if ever the frenzied passionate relinquishing of one’s self to the very basest and most degenerate of imaginings. Steamy hot bodies have a tendency to stick together and make rude noises while at the same time causing dreadful flesh burns unless several generous sprinklings of talcum powders have first been administered prior to the prurient goings on. Talcum tends to form a nasty paste when mixed in equal amounts with perspiration which causes unbecoming wads of gray dough to collect in the most inconvenient places. And no one ever seems to be in exactly the right position somehow, not to mention the bony knee painfully pushing your eye out or your arm being crushed under the weight of the other “dudes” this or that. And God forbid you are not just returned from the gymnasium or haven’t been determined enough of late to put down the Dulce de Leche Haagen Dazs and perhaps have a hint of loose flesh that might find itself pinched  between a floor board and someone’s whatever! Either your rectal walls are too practiced or the other person’s bits are –only bits –or they are warning you that if you must gag could it be sotto voce so as not to disturb their mother who it turns out is the person snoring in the next room!

You may convince yourself that if the other person participating were not quite so great a compromise—it would be different. But then explain why so often in “Gay Adult Male Videos” two exquisite human beings so endowed they would make King Kong self conscious and with bodies bulging with muscles and protruding gluteus maximus that might easily double for a buffet should you have guests arrive unexpectedly—please God why do they close their eyes and fantasize something else and “what” when the creature lost and slobbering away at their crotch is so committed and such total perfection. I like to think they are envisioning raunchy sex with some blubbery old toothless hag such as myself and sadly my dahling, that may well be the case. Oh the contrariness of it all! And if it at all quells your concern, despite all the roundness and inviting buns and soft pretty mouths they both usually end up jerking off together.

I will close by saying I have found sex to be more the thinking about and the expectation than the actual event—the getting ready—that somehow you later find yourself wondering why you ever even bothered trimming the bush. But if it were any other way: if we ever actually experienced this orgasmic happening and perhaps experienced it with any regularity would it still tantalize us so. Much of the best things in life are in the pursuing. And then of course there is love—real and true.

If you would like to ask Mister Bidgood a question, please email adambaran1@gmail.com with your full question!